I go to church every now and then. Nothing heavy, I’m far from a bible beater, far from an evangelist, if someone asks the answer is "Catholic”.
Matter of fact I’m very low key about the question of my own personal beliefs. My answers will be tailored to whomever I’m talking to at the time.
In reality; if someone starts to talk to you about religion they don’t care what the hell you believe in, they want you to know what they believe in. So why not give them a place to state their beliefs, the less resistance I give them, the faster they will be on their way.
A few weeks ago I visited a coworker’s church. I find it fun to visit different churches in the area, just to see what the preachers are talking about. There is an undeniable pleasure in the ritual of group prayer.
Sunday arrives and I arrive at 10am on the dot, in order to see the whole service. I should have listened to my “Spidey sense”, telling me this was going to be an odd experience. Something just didn’t’ seem right in the air.
It was a small congregation maybe 150 people, an even mix of men, women and children, lots of families, all seemed well . . . until the preacher stepped out. Something about an eight button suit just doesn’t rest well in my stomach. The man looked like Steve Harvey.
When he started to talk I knew I was in for a doosey. He was so energetic and over the top that I could hardly understand what he was saying. Somewhere in there he announced that if anyone that wanted to be “Saved” come to the front. A standard tactic used to invite new members to the church. What was highly unusual was . . . . .
Everybody in the church went up,
I mean everybody!
Oh did I say everybody, I meant everybody.
The only people in the seats were the elderly, small children and me.
The preacher go so hyped up that he damn near stage dived into the crowd and started to smack people in the forehead, like a televangelist you would see on TV.
Whack,(Satan I rebuke you) Whack, Whack (In the name of Jesus ) whack.
Then some woman let out a blood curdling screech, reminiscent of two cats fighting at night. I was flabbergasted.
People are falling out left and right. This must have been usual because the ushers took their positions catchin people as they fell and placing them in chairs in the first row.
He did this for a full hour.
What did you say.
He smacked people in the forehead in the name of Jesus for a whole hour.
I though this must be some kind of joke show. Where is Borat? Unbelievable.
To make a long story short after everyone got smacked in the forehead. The preacher gets back on stage and says.
“We spent so much time saving souls, we don’t have time for the sermon today, lets pass around the collection plate and we all leave”
WTF,
I repeat
What The Fuck.
You don’t have enough time to preach but there is always enough time for collection.
Ain’t that a bitch.
